Frustración.

Llevo meses sin actualizar este blogger, y la verdad dudo usarlo mucho de ahora en adelate, me gusta cómo se ve, y no lo pienso borrar, pero Blogger cómo plataforma no me convence del todo. Pensé en hacerme un blog en f2c, pero no me deja, igualmente tengo cómo proyecto hacer dos Neocities, uno personal y una fanpage sobre Deuil de Pop'n. 

No quiero profundizar mucho sobre mi vida ahora, 2025 fue el peor año de mi vida, y me está tocando tomar decisiones. Odio profundizar en mis pensamientos por que me comparo con otros y me frusto conmigo. Ahora estoy con el carnet de coche, así que mejor no preocuparme de cosas que me estoy imaginando, Recuerdo aún cuando me dijeron que no debería conducir, hm, estoy harto de cómo parece que casi nadie me conoce. En parte tengo culpa de ello, siento que he maskeado y no dejo claro cuando he cambiado, a bien y a mal. Siento que no logro ser yo mismo rodeado de gente, me mimetizo un poco en personalidad, veo cómo son lo demás e intento ser cómo ellos, para encajar,

Ahora estoy solo la mayoría del tiempo, excepto unos pocos amigos que me han conocido de tanto que ya saben mejor que yo cómo soy. Llevo desde finales de 2018 siendo otro, es bastante aterrador, creo. Estoy cansado, nada serio, creo que me exijo cosas irrealistas, estoy bastante acostumbrado a compararme a otros, lo odio.

Últimamente me frustra internet. Siempre me ha apasionado internet, he hecho uso de él desde que tenía 8, buscando música, blogs sobre littlets pet shop, viendo vídeos y en general navegando wikipedia en el ordenador de mi abuela, dios, ha cambiado a peor en menos de 10 años. Hay muchas razones por las que me gusta interner, el hecho de poder conectar con el mundo entero suena cómo algo que nos llevaría a la paz... bueno pues no. Sigh, prefiero no elaborar ahora, no creo que nadie lo entienda cómo yo

Nunca pienso hacerme un TikTok, mi sis hizo uno, subió algo, y le hicieron bullying, odio el formato de vídeos cortos, y TikTok es el pozo del que vienen todos los que le copian. Instagram es el segundo en línea, ya no lo soporto, lo desinstalé de mi móvil hace tiempo, solo entro en navegador y veo cosas ocasionalmente, no negaré que echo de menos subir historias, era divertido y he guardado buenos recuerdos ahí, pero al mismo tiempo, eran solo para mi, y no sé hasta que punto estaba compartiendo de más, y lo siento pero solo está lleno de tryhards que hacen cosas por los números, no intento ser borde, solo opino que la gente se preocupa mucho de seguir un algoritmo que los abusa, y tengo empatía por ello por que he estado ahí, sé que es triste ver cómo los números bajan, pero no vale la pena esclavizarse crecer en una plataforma que odia a sus usuarios. Siento que insta es la plataforma que menos comunidad construye, todos mis mutuals de ahí son gente que conocí fuera de la plataforma, y desde que aniquilaron los hashtags, es más difícil encontrar a usuarios de intereses similares a los tuyos. Ahora las redes sociales y las comunidades de artistas no son para construir comunidad y hacer amigos, solo son para perseguir números, y bueno supongo que conseguir dinero?? Aunque todo eso depende de suerte, cuanto más te explotes a crecer, tus posibilidades no suben. 

Creo que por estas cosas, ya no me interesa subir en insta, y bueno, por que soy cringe. Y no ''ayyy soy tan cringe teehee be cringe be free'', cringe de que voy a dibujar yaoi de pop'n music por muy meloso que sea, y no solo una vez para vender merch, pero cómo una constante, por que cuando la gente dice be cringe be free, es que lo hagas de forma ''aesthetic'' y ''mainstream'', sorry but I can't help but be autistic. Si a alguien realmente le interesa yo y lo que subo, aunque sea pop'n music, podeís seguirme en mi BlueSky @F1shSt1cks, o mi Twitter @B0n3St1cks, aunque últimamente uso más BlueSky, la puta actualización del jodido Grok me ha dejado mal sabor de boca. Mi Newgrounds y Pixiv también son @F1shSt1cks, aún estoy decidiendo cúal usar de archivo

Mi Tumblr aún sigue así, también @F1shSt1cks pero los usuarios me empiezan a incómodar, seguiré pensando si seguir ahí, creo que ya tengo redes sociales de sobra. No sé con certeza que haré con este blog, pero sé que nadie me obliga seguir o a dejarlo

Arrested Development

Yesterday I was watching Excel Saga, I wanted to check It out cuz of how 2000s it looked, I had fun w it. I've been talking to people from the Pop'n fandom online, and I've realized how insecure about the thing I like I am. I think that whenever I get tattached to a group or a person, I start to mask and try to be like tehm, like a chameleon changing colors. I really got into My Hero Academia cuz a guy that I liked was very very into Kiribaku, and I also shifted to mainly be a Bara artist cuz he was. I rlly liked Golden Kamuy at the time, but I started to talk less about it when he told me that I was annoying for talking about it on my whatsapp stories, I think that made me eventually lose interest in Golden Kamuy

More recently, I got into another friend group, and I wanted to fit in so bad, but they were cinephiles, even when they denied being a bit of an elitist. They hated anime, which, tbh yeah I get it, the industry is oversaturated of very tropey series with the same formula, and worker explotation... I do keep watching anime because it's just animation from japan, and I find most of the 90s-2000s productions very interesting (and I quite LOVE a lot of classics from the 70s), and yet they would just cross anything as bad, so at a point I felt cringe and inmature for watching anything under the anime umbrella, I'm a grown ass man, only good live action movies for me sir... well, that ended badly from when I got absolutely hyperfixated in Pop'n Music, I wanted to not talk too much about it, since my former friendgroup would think it's more anime crap

So, I just repressed who I was, I tried to be funnier, and more mature... that was a lie, I'm a inmature chronically online, autistic fuck. I love pop'n music, I'm passionate about the game and my own fanworks, it's weird seeing people not changing their tastes for others on the internet, or people that have been expressing their love for the same franchise for years, I always thought you had to grow out of the things you liked at 16, maybe that's why I felt shame for liking Lupin III too much... I bought an Ita bag recently, my ex-wife is keeping it until I can go and grab it, I'm going to fill it to the brim with pop'n music badges :3

Being alone

This year has been chaotic as fuck, 2025 hasn't been a good year to me, unlike 2024 (despite being bullied by my flatmates) when I felt alive for once. The crash down when I got evicted from my flat to my parent's parent's house, having multiple mental breakdowns and sever crisis, followed by some public crashouts on instagram.

I'm glad that I could reconnect with Second, my best friend from over 9 years, we had a fight back in November 2024, having any interaction, even online, apart from my parents helped me in not going crazy more often. I'm back to an stable state of mind, and I'm working in some pop'n music fanworks. Discovering Pop'n Music in 2025 was the highlight of the year, even if I lost interest in my ocs, but I've been thinking about who I am.

I don't mind talking about my flaws, I'm envious, egocentric and I get delusions of grandness, I do think both higly and lowly of me, I get paranoid easily. I don't express this expecting anyone to tell me ''nooo you aren't like that'', since that'd be a lie, having flaws doesn't make me devoid of virtues. Talking nicely about me is difficult, I feel bad saying that I'm nice or kind (even if people that know me affirm it), but I do feel confident in being funny and charismatic, or could be my ego talking haha. I've realized that I was masking for a long while irl, just to be liked.

I'm a nerd, I guess, I like anime, mostly anime from before the 2010s, not for elitism reasons, I just feem to find more hidden gems there, I like monsters, a very specific kind, let's say, either classicla humanoid monsters or veiny human-like creatures. I love finding obscure ps1 and ps2 games, I get thrills from investigating. Pop'n music is a recent obssesion of mine, curious since I've never played to much rythm games, I was more used to RPGs and Fighting games. I express myself in a way that a lot of people would classify as ''cringe'', I love talking about my hyperfixations, something I gotta re-learn, since I started to feel shame. Since I started masking, I was too preoccupied that I wasn't cool enough for other people, so I repressed myself, trying to be mature for once...

I'm doing much better now!! I have less friends now, but they love me and my autistic ramblings, and I'm starting to find peace of mine, even If I gotta stay crhonically online for a while until I can get back to study!! I'm working on youtube videos (with a bit of a delay), on some fancomics, and getting my car license. I'm more laid back now, I've realized that I'll forever be myself, even if I try to disfigure myself to fit with others

Recovery

Brief entry

Today i went out, since I live in the middle of nowhere, I went to the wilderness(kinda), and I heard a lot of insectos singing, my favourite were Pipu Pipu Pipu and Kiri Kiri Kiri. I also howled at the moon

Today in my village, we had a regional tradition downtown, so I said hi to a lot of people on my way home. Smelled some flowers aswell, idk what their name is in spanish or English, it's hmmm Jazmín??

Pipu Pipu Pipu or Kiri Kiri Kiri?

It was my b-day today...

 Short blog, @_@ kind of a vent

Didn't got accepted in profesional formation and can't go to a videogame master degree cuz it's too expensive, that one i undestand, also 0 news about the animation master, so yeah, haha, neeting away another year unless i get a job, i need a job

I feel like I wasted my life, i wish i could go back in time, everything gets worse every year, i have no hope, and i no longer have the will to keep going, i might just die in the next 2 years, I just wanna do some fanworks, some youtube videos, a comic and finally log out from life, I'm a coward that can't accomplish NOTHING

Anyway I bought a dirty manga at a second hand job, i guess that's my b-day gift since my mom only got me an ugly bag lolz xP

Now I have a yearly tradition of drawing myself w my favs for my b-day, this year, I drew myself w Deuil teehee

Some Pop'n Music Deuil fanart!!

 Hiiii!! 

I've gotten into pop'n music a lot, like, I'm mega invested now teehee, so I made some fanart... 

I got interested in playing pop'n after seeing some art on pinterest, i was really entralled w Deuil's design, I tought they looke sooo cool and I was like ''I NEED TO DRAW THEM''

Honestly, I'm more invested in them than in my ocs, i got my fanlore and all, but I rather not talk abput it now... teehee

I did the forever weed brownie meme w them, he, first time I drew both Yuli and Ash, halfway trough, I realized this was a bit ooc for Yuli, so i made this extra image of Smile

First time i drew them, it was this meme, only thing I drew for Saint Valentines teehee

Stoopid goobers

 I worked way too hard on this one tbh, it's Ash projecting his menstrual cramps to that twink

Very very cool Smile I drew hehe

This is Ashyuli coded btw

K, k these 2 are inspired by the movie ''Death Becomes Her'', the first one is based on the movie poster and the Smile is just him w the outfit of Lis, i don't like the drawing very much tho

And finally this template I filled in... yeah i rlly like Ashyuli/Yuliash

This blog is just Deuil art, i'll make another for general pop'n fanart, i hope the pop'n autism comes back, this month has been a new low for my mental health

Idk if I should start posting on pixiv, i'm getting tired of traditional social media

Lot of unexpected things happened

Today is 4th of June!! Anywayyy today I went to get a haircut and I fainted +_+ 

Yes yes, I had to go to the hospital, got my pressure taken (which i liked) and then I got serum inyected (I was kinda scared) in my veins!!! That was a first...

I wish I were home rn to play pop'n music 💔, lately i was rlly depressed, hopefully, I'm getting better 

Also!! I'm getting ready to try and transition this year!! I been wanting to for a long, but my parents are really neurotic and I depended on their money, I better find a job...