Arrested Development

Yesterday I was watching Excel Saga, I wanted to check It out cuz of how 2000s it looked, I had fun w it. I've been talking to people from the Pop'n fandom online, and I've realized how insecure about the thing I like I am. I think that whenever I get tattached to a group or a person, I start to mask and try to be like tehm, like a chameleon changing colors. I really got into My Hero Academia cuz a guy that I liked was very very into Kiribaku, and I also shifted to mainly be a Bara artist cuz he was. I rlly liked Golden Kamuy at the time, but I started to talk less about it when he told me that I was annoying for talking about it on my whatsapp stories, I think that made me eventually lose interest in Golden Kamuy

More recently, I got into another friend group, and I wanted to fit in so bad, but they were cinephiles, even when they denied being a bit of an elitist. They hated anime, which, tbh yeah I get it, the industry is oversaturated of very tropey series with the same formula, and worker explotation... I do keep watching anime because it's just animation from japan, and I find most of the 90s-2000s productions very interesting (and I quite LOVE a lot of classics from the 70s), and yet they would just cross anything as bad, so at a point I felt cringe and inmature for watching anything under the anime umbrella, I'm a grown ass man, only good live action movies for me sir... well, that ended badly from when I got absolutely hyperfixated in Pop'n Music, I wanted to not talk too much about it, since my former friendgroup would think it's more anime crap

So, I just repressed who I was, I tried to be funnier, and more mature... that was a lie, I'm a inmature chronically online, autistic fuck. I love pop'n music, I'm passionate about the game and my own fanworks, it's weird seeing people not changing their tastes for others on the internet, or people that have been expressing their love for the same franchise for years, I always thought you had to grow out of the things you liked at 16, maybe that's why I felt shame for liking Lupin III too much... I bought an Ita bag recently, my ex-wife is keeping it until I can go and grab it, I'm going to fill it to the brim with pop'n music badges :3

Being alone

This year has been chaotic as fuck, 2025 hasn't been a good year to me, unlike 2024 (despite being bullied by my flatmates) when I felt alive for once. The crash down when I got evicted from my flat to my parent's parent's house, having multiple mental breakdowns and sever crisis, followed by some public crashouts on instagram.

I'm glad that I could reconnect with Second, my best friend from over 9 years, we had a fight back in November 2024, having any interaction, even online, apart from my parents helped me in not going crazy more often. I'm back to an stable state of mind, and I'm working in some pop'n music fanworks. Discovering Pop'n Music in 2025 was the highlight of the year, even if I lost interest in my ocs, but I've been thinking about who I am.

I don't mind talking about my flaws, I'm envious, egocentric and I get delusions of grandness, I do think both higly and lowly of me, I get paranoid easily. I don't express this expecting anyone to tell me ''nooo you aren't like that'', since that'd be a lie, having flaws doesn't make me devoid of virtues. Talking nicely about me is difficult, I feel bad saying that I'm nice or kind (even if people that know me affirm it), but I do feel confident in being funny and charismatic, or could be my ego talking haha. I've realized that I was masking for a long while irl, just to be liked.

I'm a nerd, I guess, I like anime, mostly anime from before the 2010s, not for elitism reasons, I just feem to find more hidden gems there, I like monsters, a very specific kind, let's say, either classicla humanoid monsters or veiny human-like creatures. I love finding obscure ps1 and ps2 games, I get thrills from investigating. Pop'n music is a recent obssesion of mine, curious since I've never played to much rythm games, I was more used to RPGs and Fighting games. I express myself in a way that a lot of people would classify as ''cringe'', I love talking about my hyperfixations, something I gotta re-learn, since I started to feel shame. Since I started masking, I was too preoccupied that I wasn't cool enough for other people, so I repressed myself, trying to be mature for once...

I'm doing much better now!! I have less friends now, but they love me and my autistic ramblings, and I'm starting to find peace of mine, even If I gotta stay crhonically online for a while until I can get back to study!! I'm working on youtube videos (with a bit of a delay), on some fancomics, and getting my car license. I'm more laid back now, I've realized that I'll forever be myself, even if I try to disfigure myself to fit with others